*with apologies to David Bowie*
Lately I find myself wondering if people around me are changing and if I hate them for it. Now I wonder if I’m the one who’s changed, and if I detest myself for it.
That was my plurk status a few nights ago, and plurking about that particular thought made me reevaluate my relationships with certain people at this point in my life. Incidentally, I’ve never liked that statement. “At this point in my life.” It’s so, I don’t know, hackneyed, I guess. While my life is, indeed, made up of many points (some exclamation, and a great many ellipses, I think), I shudder to think that it’s all about dots and how every dot signifies an event, however lackluster it may be. It sounds too mathematical, too scientific, too systematic for me. Life as a series of points. It does have a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?
But back to my plurk shout out.
Don’t you ever wonder about how certain people around you no longer appear to be their same old selves? I remember having drinks with a friend a few weeks ago and I told her how this common friend of ours has changed dramatically. No not the botox way, heavens no. The change is too peculiar, even for this common friend who practically epitomizes what is odd and unexpected. So I told my drinking buddy, “have you noticed it? This change in our common friend?” to which the drinking buddy asked in return, “what do you mean?” So I had to explain what I now realize to be unexplainable. I said, “I can’t pinpoint it exactly. It’s. . .I don’t know. I wonder if it has something to do with work? Or maybe family matters? Or perhaps a religious conversion?” Drinking buddy replied, “I don’t know. I haven’t noticed anything. You’re closer to common friend, anyway, so you should know.”
But I don’t.
And it’s not just this common friend who’s been flying above my radar of late. There have been others, yes, and they, too, have been sporting interesting changes in their personalities. It’s quite maddening, especially if I liked their old personalities more than the new ones.
Or hey, maybe I got it all wrong.
Maybe they’re just revealing their true selves just now, and finally discarding their façades that have long concealed who they truly are.
Or another hey, maybe it’s me who is changing. I think my radar is going wonky as days go by (I’m blaming age), and it is forcing me to look at things from an entirely new perspective. I’m old enough to know better. I’m old enough to know how I should best respond to things that do not suit me. I know what makes me happy. I know what makes me miserable. More importantly, I know how to deal with the aftermaths of both states of mind.
That is, if you contribute to my state of unhappiness, then I’m sorry, you no longer make the cut.
They say patience is a virtue, right?
Let’s just say I have other nice virtues I can proudly boast off (obviously, humility is not one of ‘em).
But, have I really changed?
I guess I’m a little different from the person I was twenty-five years ago. Hey, twenty-five years is a long time, and a lot of things have happened since I was this bright-eyed little girl with dreams of becoming the next Nancy Drew.
The thing is, the past few years have shown small increments when it comes to changes, if there were changes at all. I know I’m settling into something, if I haven’t still. It’s comforting on the one hand, and quite unsettling (boooo!) on the other. Well yeah, I find it unsettling, this whole idea of settling.
And no, there’s no “down” after that word.
I find it terrifying that I’m already comfortable with things as they are. I’m already set. Don’t you find that terrifying? I do, and I don’t know why.
People say it’s okay to change. That change is good. But people only say that when that one thing you don’t want to happen, happened. Hey, I think that’s a line from the movie You’ve Got Mail (Nora Ephron✞). Remember when Shopgirl lost her bookstore? That was a major change. Was it good? I have no idea. Well at least she got Joe Fox by the end of the movie. I guess that was a fine consolation.
Was it enough?
I think I’ve become tougher as the years went by. More serious, too. I’ve always been the serious one, even as a child. I never went out to play with the neighborhood kids. I preferred staying indoors with my books and the television. I never really liked attending kiddie parties, school parties and whatever gatherings they invented back in the day. Imagine that, and multiply it to the power of infinity. I guess the product is the Frankie that you now have.
Is the result any good? Maybe not. Then again, who we are now is simply the result of what we’ve been through. I can’t say I’ve been through a lot (definitely not in the ways of the teleserye tragedies, thank heavens), but I’ve been through some interesting ones, a few of ‘em life-changing as well. But here I am, an upgraded version, yes, but the basic operating system is still the same. I may look different (oh definitely!), but essentially, I’m still the same old, though tougher, and with more lines around the eyes, and hopefully, more enlightened in the ways of life, Frankie.
Enjoy the changes in the key of F (however minor). If you don’t, well I’m sorry. There’s no refund.