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Can someone please remind me why I even started reading this book? Oh, right. Friends said it was poorly written and that it was um…different. And of course, being a scientist, book lover, and occasional naughty girl – yes, I went there – I had to check it out for myself. After all, the best opinions and choices are the well informed ones. So here goes…

[WARNING: THIS POST IS RATED PG. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.]

1. BDSM is perfectly alright so long as the man is ridiculously handsome and wealthy.

There is a saying, “Pag pangit, stalker. Pag gwapo, admirer.” [For our English-speaking readers, that translates to “If he’s ugly, he’s a stalker. If he’s handsome, he’s an admirer.”] In the same situation, I’d probably go against better judgment and at least give it a try. Come on! Who doesn’t want a rich and handsome man who attends to you hand and foot? If only he’d drop the BDSM part. But I’m sure I can wean him.

2. I will never look at vanilla the same way again.

So that’s what it’s called, is it? Vanilla sex. Been there, done that. Check. Oops, did I just admit to something here? Geez, I’m 35 years old! It had to come out sooner or later. (To Mom, aunties, uncles, surprise!) It was a long time ago and is but a distant memory. So there’s nothing to see here, let’s move right along.

3. Sex is the most important thing in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if you have to assume roles such as the Dominant and the Submissive. Are you for real?! Sure. *insert sarcasm* He calls it fucking, she calls it making love. Semantics.

If someone were to tell me how he’d like to fuck me hard, I’d probably punch him in the face. It sounds like a violation. My inner goddess would be so offended at the thought of being a submissive she’d probably shove that flogger up his ass. But then again, he might enjoy it. What I do find sexy is when he says, “You are mine” and gets all jealous of every other guy. That is a turn-on.

4. Inner goddess: A phrase that has been ruined for me forever.

For shame, E.L. James! Are you trying to tell me that my inner goddess secretly wants to be a sex slave; that just a look will make me drop everything – panties included – for a man? Surely not. Let me tell you something about my inner goddess. It doesn’t jump up and down with glee at the prospect of gettin’ a little somethin’ somethin’. My inner goddess beats her chest proud at the fact that I know how to change a flat tire and that I can successfully change the tail light of my big-ass 4WD vehicle all by myself. She also looks approvingly at me from my rear view mirror every time I drive through the mine roads (or through dirt tracks), clad in my high visibility work clothes, hard hat, and steel-capped boots while singing along to Britney Spears’ “Till the world ends” at the top of my lungs. And then at the end of the day, I can channel Nigella Lawson, and whip up a meal that would put any Stepford wife to shame. My inner goddess is a well-rounded chick, thank you very much!

5. Being around someone you are carnally attracted to reduces the amount of oxygen supplied to your brain.

“My breath hitches.” How many times in a book can you say that? I can’t even… *facepalm*

6. Taking expensive gifts from a ridiculously handsome fucked up man is acceptable.

This would only be acceptable to me if I had the capacity to buy those things for myself. Independent woman here, y’all. Just because he can, doesn’t mean he should. He probably means well and only wants the best for me but I have a tendency to get attached to material things. And if things didn’t work out and I had to give them back, I don’t think I could cope.

7. Frequently getting screwed – literally and figuratively – is detrimental to your vocabulary. Eventually, all you’ll ever know to say are “holy shit”, “holy crap”, “oh my” and, “fuck”.

What imaginative language! And this is really my main gripe with the book. If only it had been better written. Now, I don’t want to wag my finger at self-righteous, prudes who cry, “Foul! This is not literature!” Okay, I am. Sure, you can say that for so long as you are critiquing the lack of engaging narrative, which obviously, this book doesn’t possess. But frankly, I quite liked the topic.

So there it is. My short commentary on 50 Shades of Grey. What I’d be interested to know is what my friends (virgin or otherwise) thought about it.

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