Before I go any further, I just want to say that I’m NOT turning 40 yet. I still have four years to go but since I’m a bit of a control freak, I’m thinking about it as early as now.
As you probably already know, I tend to jump from one train of thought to another without rhyme or reason. Lately, I’ve been thinking about why I’m still single. For one thing, I’m not looking but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be found, if you know what I mean. Have you ever heard any of your single friends say they’re single “by choice”? Sometimes I feel like that’s a load of crap. Okay, maybe if your friend is pretty and really hot, then that’s probably true. It’s not true for me. I am not single by choice. The cold, hard truth is, I’m not attractive to the opposite sex. I don’t have boys lining up at my front door or stumbling over themselves asking for my number. Sure, I have single guy friends but that’s all they are. However, I’m fine with that. I don’t see that as something to be insecure about. I have made myself a comfy little corner in every guy’s Friend Zone. So be it. And please don’t get any ideas about “setting me up” because that’s the last thing I want.
That being said, I hardly think that’s a reason to let myself go. I’ve embarked on an epic journey of self-betterment. Is there even such a term?! Okay, let’s just put it this way, I’m upping my market value for no other reason than the fact that I can. I already know I’m smart and talented and kind. I have a good heart, otherwise, I wouldn’t have so many friends. Some people think I’m pretty but I am essentially too fat to be considered the whole package. There. I said it, so Universe, help me out here!
Last night, as I was driving back to Sydney, I thought about all the things I’ve yet to do before I turn 40. I’ve already decided that I’d skydive on my 40th birthday and just go and travel, travel, travel when the time and my financial situation allows me to. And again, my mind wandered off and this little voice in my head said, “What have I accomplished so far? Lemme see…Become a scientist. Check. Had a boyfriend or two. Check. Suicide. Check. Moved to a different country. Check. Traveled a bit. Check. What next?”
Over a few margaritas – and a tequila shot here and there – I had blurted out to a few friends that I didn’t want to get married. At the time I said it, I felt that it was my truth. But is it really? My true calling is to be a Stepford Wife. For all you feminists out there, don’t worry. I hardly think it will ever happen.
I mulled over those thoughts of marriage and kids and I regurgitated them this past week until I could take it no more. And then an “Aha!” moment! I want to have a baby through IVF by the time I’m 40. Yes, too old, I know, but I’m not ready now. I also thought of adopting because there are so many children out there who need the love of a parent and I am more than willing to become one. At the same time, I also want to experience what it feels like to carry life in my womb. I can also do both. I shared this with my friend, Beatrice, and she said that it might be a good idea to freeze my eggs now while I’m younger. Good point.
Before I started writing this blog, I knew I had to tell my mom first. I didn’t want her to read my big plans just on my blog. I wanted her to know before the rest of the world found out. Her thoughts surprised me, to be honest. I thought I would be met with real opposition. This is the woman who said to me last January that she didn’t want any grandchildren. We were at the airport and there was a kid throwing a tantrum. Oh, you should’ve seen her face. She said that while glaring at me. It was hilarious!
When I told her about my baby plans, she said that from a purely practical perspective, adoption seems more viable than IVF. She said that it would be hard to fall pregnant as a single woman with a career. Of course, she comes from a place of authority on this. I know it is hard work, seeing what she went through. And at the same time, it’s precisely because I know (and was part of) her experience that I know that I can do it too, should I decide to pursue this path.
Her best advice: Pray about it. God will tell you what do to.
It seems like I’ve gone off-tangent with my post seeing as we, The Fates, are celebrating the first anniversary of our Great UK Adventure. I just felt I needed to off-load these thoughts before I can go back to photos or entries about our adventures. Believe you me, there are still more photos to upload and stories to share. Hang tight, I’ll get there. 🙂
EDITED TO ADD: Here’s the thing. The reason I’m not too worried about growing old alone is because I think I have some friends that I can grow old with. I will build that retirement mansion, I tell you.